On days like this, I miss the country. It rained last night, cooling everything around us. The wind and trees whisper that summer just might be over soon. I walked as far as I could to get away from the roar of cars and trucks but I've never walked this trail by myself, and when I finally found the curve in the trail where the cicadas drowned out the city, I stopped. And took this picture. ❤️❤️
I'm at this weird phase of transition. Or maybe I'm just feeling stuck. Much like my walk here: do I keep walking into unfamiliar territory? Or turn around because the noise can tune out my thoughts and it's familiar and I've already walked it after all.
My children are at school. I'm feeling all sorts of emotions that come with that, covid being the highest and most consuming priority.
But somewhere around the worries, I find myself wondering what now? What do I do from here? Where do I go? Do I keep studying for this test for this career (teaching) I'm not even sure about. Do I keep sending 2 completed chapbooks hoping the Universe finds a home for them? Do I keep going through the motions until something leads me where I need to go?
I feel lost. Stuck.
As a mental health advocate, I'd be remiss not to mention my thoughts out loud, in case someone needs to hear this.
Who am I when no one is around to mother?
This walk didn't answer any of that for me. I thought as I stood in front of the sunflowers, I'd have some sort of epiphany.
The best I could come up with is that society has a warped and all consuming view of what stay at home moms are supposed to be. I left pieces of myself in my children - we create, we laugh, make memories, pray, cry - I speak joy and hope into them. And when they left to seek out peers, I wonder what pieces of them (and me) they've left behind. Who am I when they're not around?
There is a story brewing here. More tangible thoughts (probably) will be written into poems. And perhaps, that's always been the answer: I've never stopped being a writer.
On my next walk, I think I'll bring a notebook and go a little further.
Just some Friday thoughts for you. ❤️❤️❤️
Who do you become when no one's watching?
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I drink too much coffee, read too many books, and in between raising miracle babies, I find time to write.