I use to run for fun. I was never in any competitive running teams nor would I ever join but, I know enough about running that you don't sprint in the beginning.
You start slow, build your pace, keep that pace, and
run like hell at the end to the finish line. 
Even knowing this, I fail to remember that
I'm bearing the weight of mental illness on my race.
I sprinted right out of the gate and I've exhausted myself.
I had every good intention.
Got a shiny new planner.
​Listed all the resolutions and all the things that I promised I would do/accomplish.
I was pumped and sat down and managed to write four chapters of a romance novel.
But that was a few days ago. 
Today, I'm feeling the shadow of PMDD looming over me. 
And I'm finding it hard to concentrate, harder to "keep calm."
I want off this track. 
In a few days, I'll walk out of this fog and feel whole again. 
I'll probably more than likely forget about this feeling of impending doom.
I'll forget about this pressure that is sitting above my chest. 
I'll feel whole again.
And then be ready to write swoon worthy moments between my MC (main character) and her friend-turned-lover. 
But in all honesty, it sucks to be here.
This truth that I feel myself slipping away. 
This cycle is vicious. ​​​

Okay, so it's a lot harder to make a vision board using this technique. I'll probably spend some time trying to make a vision board at a later time. ​

So, breaking this down, my 2021 Resolutions are
1.) Learn something new and I choose cross-stitching. I see so many cute and lovely designs on Etsy and on friend's pages....it makes me want to try it. I usually try to find one new thing to learn or try every year and this will be it for me.
2.) I came across an old "bucket list" of mine. I can't tell you when I wrote it, as sadly, I didn't date it. However, yoga teacher was an interesting one. I signed up for a course called "Kidding Around Yoga" (KAY) online certification. I'm not quite sure how this will pan out in the future but it's a step. I have kids. I'm currently homeschooling. So why not incorporate what I am learning to my kiddos and maybe when the pandemic slowly lessens its toll on us, I can share and teach yoga to other kiddos.
​3.) Write more poetry. Write more of my story. Write more romance. Just Write. (I'll break this goal down later).
​4.) As a family, we have 2 goals for ourselves. They are to spend more time outdoors. We are challenging ourselves to 1000 hours outside AND to visit as many state parks as we can for the year! We began our first hike yesterday and already crossed one state park off!
5.) I need to be more intentional on sharing my culture with my kids. At some point in their lifetime, I'd love to visit and show them the Philippines! I want them to learn my language, know their roots and family history. 
6.) I would love to be more involved in the organizations I believe in. Mom Congress, 2020Mom, Momma's Voices. But, for the most part, it's the continuation of doing the work of advocacy for moms, babies and maternal mental health. This past year, the Champions for Change summit was held virtually and while I could still feel the fire and passion from the virtual meet ups, I missed the tangible part of seeing advocacy in action. I hope this fall, I'll get to actual embrace the women I met and are inspired by!
7.) Well it wouldn't be a "complete" resolution list without my mentioning healthy eating and or workouts. HOWEVER, I have been making an effort in changing our lifestyles. My husband was diagnosed with Type II Diabetes in November. We started doing a bit of keto - more lazy on my part and we've resolved to workout out more. Luckily, virtual workouts are a thing and I've signed up for Camp Gladiator before! My old boot camp crew is starting on January Whole30 and I'll be joining her to "jump start" my sugar addiction habit. 

For January, I will:
1.) Write and Submit a poem to a lit mag/anthology.
2.) Write 1 chapter/1 hour of current work in progress (WIP) a day. 
3.) January Whole30 starts on 1/04.
4.) Do 20 workouts for the month (combination of walking, boot camp, camp gladiator).
5.) Spend a day outside with kids at least once a week (nature walk, park, school outdoors).

Do you remember playing "highs and lows" in school? It was more or less a quick reflection or feedback of the good parts (highs) and the worst (low) parts of an activity. My school drama teacher would play it with us after a field trip. I don't want to reminisce the lows of 2020. I'm sure we've all lost track of the many disappointments, anger, and grief. I had to scroll through my Instagram feed to remember the highs of 2020. I didn't capture nearly enough photographs but what I did take, reminded me that 2020 is not the "worst year" for our family. Sure, it wasn't the best either, we were merely surviving half the time, along with everyone else in the midst of a pandemic, but for a family used to "sheltering in place" when one member has an autoimmune disorder.....it was just "another" year for us. 
I did have high hopes of having a summer beach vacation or a Disney holiday, we did start the year watching the sunset on the beach. So without further ado, here are a few things I learned, am grateful for, and what I will take with me from 2020:

1.) Our family (husband's sisters) saw the birth of two beautiful healthy baby girls. 
2.) A surprise birthday backyard celebration (a week before shut down in Texas happened) with friends. 
3.) I passed my Special Education Teaching certification exam for K-12.
4.) Stepping out of our comfort zone by retelling my birth story and reliving that trauma for ACOG (interviewed in May), Mom&Mind (interviewed in September) and 2020Mom Story (interviewed in December). 
5.) Being nominated for 2020 Mom Ambassador!

"Pandemic" lessons
6.) We cooked more at home than we've ever done in our whole 12 years of marriage life.
7.) I had always wanted to homeschool. Covid hit and I'm proud to say that we have managed to "survive" a semester of homeschooling. It was a LOT of tears. I learned to walk away. She learned to breathe and took responsibilities for her outbursts - meaning, she was able to come to me after we both calmed down and provided insight on why she was having trouble concentrating or learning. I learned (am learning) to let go of "public school" expectations and trusting that she is not behind. She is where she needs to be and we are going the pace she sets - not mine. 

​8.) We walked and explored various trails and nature centers around our area. It's amazingly good for the soul to step outside and breathe in fresh air, hike down paths unknown to us, and curate this memory of walking trails.

9.) We had our first family campout in October and every single one of us loved it! I didn't think my 4 year old would enjoy a single moment without electronics, but he loved looking for sticks to toss into our fire pit. Both kiddos enjoyed seeing the stars light the sky. 

10.) My marriage isn't something I talk a lot about. My husband is my partner, a provider, and my friend. While he sometimes locks himself in, there were times that he managed to break out of his fortress to let me know where he was emotionally. There were situations in the year that gave us both pause; and where I found anger as a companion, he cocooned himself in grief. Thankfully, we've both voiced our thoughts - however jumbled they were (and still are). But truly, I am grateful for my husband. And while we can never know what 2021 will bring, we've decided it will be our "year of health." 

So I actually thought I'd find 20 things for 2020, but 10 seems like a good number to end on. 

This was such an honor and I still feel so unworthy of it when all I've done to advocate for maternal mental health is to share my struggles and my story. I'm honored and so humbled to be in amazing company with these incredible women.
I am grateful to anyone who listened to us moms - the doctors, the nurses, friends, families and strangers - who saw past the cuteness of our newborns and really tuned in to our internal battles and struggles.
**did you know 1 in 7 moms suffer from postpartum depression?**
I am grateful for those that fought in the trenches of postpartum depression and anxiety with me, and those who joined in on advocacy efforts, and those who encouraged me to keep sharing, keep speaking, keep championing. Organizations like 2020 Mom, Momma's Voices, Postpartum Support International (PSI), my peer support efforts with International Association of Premenstrual Disorders (IAPMD) have fueled this mama's cup and have been such incredible lifesaving resources.....think of them this December 1st (Giving Tuesday) or find an organization that supports your passion *also, find what fills you up and find a way to give back*

I recently did an interview with Dr. Kat from Mom and Mind. I'm always so thankful for every opportunity given to share my story.
​Please have a listen here: 
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/a-journey-through-preeclampsia-nicu-ppd-and-finding-hope/id1125550872?i=1000498769991

So I got some exciting news a few days ago.... and of course, once the excitement died down, anxiety came in to settle.
“What have I done that was worthy of this?” Kept popping in my head.

I’ve been sitting with that thought when I got some things I had to go over.
And then I read other people’s accomplishments.

Anxiety laughed.
And the cloak of uselessness, of pity, of not enough weighed heavy on me.

What have I done that was worthy of this?!

This morning, I woke up. Did a workout to get some clarity. And looked down at the cup I was drinking from.

Clarity: I share my story because I wanted other mamas who feel the same way, feel less alone.

All I managed to accomplish in this covid pandemic nightmare, doing pandemic homeschooling, in between doctor and lab visits, in the midst of #pmdd hell week, in living with #anxiety is telling my story.

In a few weeks, I will be telling my birth story, my #pregnancyanxiety story, my #preeclampsia story, my #postpartumdepression story for the THIRD time this year.

I get to sit and share what other mamas before me (and those after) won’t get to do.
And that alone is more than enough.

I am incredibly thankful for every opportunity that I get to share my story.

I'm doing a 30 day grateful November post on my Instagram and Facebook. Yesterday was the 12th, and I posted that I am grateful for moms.
Moms who champion for change.
Moms who show the messy and beautiful and awe inspiring stories of motherhood.
Moms who continue after a loss.

I put my mom leaf on the bottom because it starts with us.
Moms, our “work” may be “unseen.”
We teach, we nurse, we play, we pray,
we do. But what a privilege. 
And it’s an honor that is not lost on me.

Our babies are watching what we do. Listening to what we say.
Advocacy, passion, the want for change starts with us moms.

I will probably circle back to this later for affirmations.
But for now, I will dry my tears, swallow my thoughts on not being enough and practice saying my story aloud.

And just in case you need to hear this too:
“the one thing that you have that nobody else has is you.
Your voice.
Your mind.
Your story.
Your vision.”
- 2020 Champions for Change summit.

#useyourmomvoice #mommasvpices #gratefulnovember #30daysofgratitude 

A few months ago, I came across a 'patient stories' call from the American College of Obstetrics and Gynecologist (ACOG). They were looking for patient stories that dealt with birth, birth complications or trauma, mental health (postpartum and pregnancy), etc. I signed up to tell my story. A few weeks later, I got a call for an interview where I tried hard not to cry to the sweet lady on the other end of the line. Covid happened somewhere between our "thank yous" and "we'll get in touch." 
And to be honest, I forgot about that day and what I shared because I was too busy dealing with life in the pandemic homeschool trenches. The other day, I got an email that my story was up on their website. So thank you for reading this far and for allowing me to share my story. 
​
www.acog.org/womens-health/experts-and-stories/the-latest/dealing-with-preterm-birth-and-postpartum-depression

I recently did my first podcast interview ever with Mom&Mind. We talked about my birth story, my preeclampsia diagnosis, subsequent Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) stays for my premature babies. My eventual postpartum depression story in 2016, a small tidbit of my book, and the advocacy efforts I'm engaged in now.

The thing is.....I feel overwhelmed. There are so many things I want to do, I wish I could do for mamas and babies, and especially women of color, like me. But where do I start? 

Some days, I feel like I am truly just shouting from the rooftops and screaming into the void, only to hear just echoes of myself.

Some days, I do absolutely nothing.

And I wonder if my volunteer in peer support is doing anything at all. I almost feel like I'm letting my peers down but simultaneously sharing my lived experience and not.

Mental Health advocacy is exhausting. It truly is never ending and I have to wonder if I'm making any difference at all. 

So today was supposed to be the second day of Champions of Change Summit. I loved the energy from last year and I wanted so much to refuel and remember "my why." 

Covid took us online. It wasn't the energy that mirrored last year but let me tell you, if I could capture the passion emitting from the screen, I would bottle it up, hold on to it and remember the reasons for why I always leave my inbox open for mamas, why I keep speaking up, even if no one is listening. 

There will always be that one. The one who needed to hear my message. 

So even if I have been lacking on social media - some of it intentional, some of it...well homeschooling has kept me busy - I will continue to advocate in any way I can. 

So this is YET ANOTHER "website under construction" notice. But I won't be changing too much around. I'll be adding resources for maternal mental health and premenstrual dysphoric disorder tabs. 

What do you normally want to see on a lived experience advocacy page?

Excited to announce my poem, "Echo," was accepted in Undivided Magazine. 

"There is an echo of a shadow that follows me everywhere I go.
I catch her in glimpses; she’s bent over like a child,
a still statue on the floor." Click here for more.

Before Covid came into our lives, I had this goal of finishing up my teaching certification classes online and be ready to teach for Fall 2020. I was subbing for different grade levels to get a feel for who I want to teach to. I was asking Ellie's teachers what study guides they've used in the past and volunteered for everything involving planning parties, games, etc.
I had plans.
I was studying and was "on track." I passed my Special Education Certification test and scheduled to take my Elementary - 6th (E-6) general certification. That was in February.
By March, the schools were closed and I wasn't able to do any in-person teaching observations. 
By May, we started toying with the idea of doing homeschooling full time in the fall. This was later affirmed that we were making a right decision from my daughter's hematologist (Short story: she has an autoimmune blood disorder and on immunosuppressants). 
Last week, I sent out my letter of resignation to our local district where I worked as a substitute teacher and then officially, un-enrolled my daughter. 
I had a really hard week.
And while it still stings that my goals once again will be put on the "back burner" as they say, I have already made peace with the fact that I may not get my teaching certification for a few more years, or at all.
So here we are, truly, all works of progress. 
And once again, a reminder from the Universe and in the words of John Lennon that
"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." 
How and where to beginThe first thing is decide, are we really going to do this? 
Unfortunately thanks to our patriarchal society, mommas are going to be the teachers. That's not to say that dads won't help and my husband will leave the homeschooling all up to me....it just means that the burden (like most things) fall onto the mom. We are teachers. Are you going to be able to teach your child while taking care of home, of work, of yourself?!
Self care, ladies. 
If you are not able to do distance learning, or homeschool full time.....it's okay. We all have our individual burdens to carry and I can only speak for what is possible in our home. 
If you need permission, this is it: do what feels right for you and your family. Don't apologize or be tricked into feeling guilty. 

 However, if you have made the decison to homeschool, I urge you to look at what your state requires.
The first step is here:
https://hslda.org/ 
In Texas, homeschooling laws and requirements are very relaxed compared to most states. 
Per https://hslda.org/legal/texas
Texas Homeschool Law At a Glance
In Texas, homeschools are considered private schools. To legally homeschool, you will need to follow these requirements:
1. Teach the required subjects. The required subjects are:

• Math,
• Reading,
• Spelling and grammar, and
• A course in good citizenship

Although science and history are not required by state law, any college your student applies to will require them for admittance, so you’ll want to make sure to teach those too.
2. Use a written curriculum. The private school law as interpreted by the Texas Supreme Court requires that you use some form of written curriculum (online programs meet this requirement) and that you operate your homeschool in a “bona fide” manner.

Planning
I’m a planner girl and I was super excited to get the “organized home school planner.” I read a few reviews, watched this homeschooling mama break it down....and went out and bought it, Let me just say, for $50 a pop, it was a regretful buy. While I appreciated the layout and it had sections for ideas, design, planning, etc..... I basically was able to do the same things (plan) by doing a “brain dump.”
I wrote down things that I thought would be appropriate to learn in different months, like pumpkins and how seasons change in October... or many different ways people celebrate Christmas around the world. 
if you’re still looking, I suggest you do a big brainstorm day with you and your kiddo. Ask them what they like, what they’d like to learn and explore. Jot it down. And then find ways to incorporate that into the year. I also researched themes or awareness month and planning lessons around it. For instance, from September 15th-October 15th, is Hispanic Heritage month. We will be focusing on the people, the culture, the different foods and ways to appreciate the culture. 

CurriculumThe third thing, after deciding you are going to homeschool and then planning, most people do is go out and BUY ALL THE THINGS. 
It's great if you can afford it, but some of us want to slowly spend what we can and then if its worth it, buy it outright later. 
In your research, do join homeschool groups in your area or online. See what everyone is using, ask around what would be appropriate for your child(ren) and then ask some more. Shop around. Remember what works for one family, or one child, may not and does not work for you and yours.
My upcoming 3rd grader is a tactile learner. She looks to read and play with manipulative and crafts. 
She may not do well doing a workbook and sitting in one spot all day long.
You know your child(ren) best. So it's important when you're planning to get their input and see if they'll like what you picked out. 

MATH
We will be using "Easy Peasy All in One" which, by the title, also gives you an "all in one" curriculum with health/pe, Spanish, poetry as some of the extra addons you can do besides math, science, history and language arts.
What has been good is that there are daily lessons you can do and it goes up to 180 days (your typical school year). It also has an "offline" or workbook option in case you didn't want to do all the computer work.
I will be supplementing this with another math workbook I found but this was the only one that I wanted to stay on track for, as math isn't Ellie's favorite subject.
It does go from preschool all the way through high school. I will be opting to do another workbook for Ro but I like that I can use their "daily lesson plans" as a guide to what he will be doing.

English, Language Arts, Reading (ELAR)
I patiently (not really) waited on the Good and the Beautiful work set. Although it is free to download online, I wanted to have the beautiful art work and poetry book, instead of what my black and white printer would dish out. 
These books are gorgeous inside and I can't wait to get started. Each lesson can be done in a day, and per their website, if you do 4 lesson/week, you should be able to finish out the entire book by the end of the school year (end of May). ​

Science
For science, I signed her up for a chemistry co-op. A local woman is doing a small Chemistry group for elementary aged kids and I thought, what  fun! I'm loving that there is freedom in what she wants to learn. She asked to do Chemistry and that is what we are going to do this semester!

Social Studies/History
Luckily for her, 3rd graders only covers community, the helpers and various roles within a community. So we are going to be covering what it means for her to be a first generation Filipino American (my side) and a second generation Mexican American (dad's side). This basically means a LOT of books, a lot of arts and artists who are Filipinos and Mexicans. I moved to the US when I was 9 years old, so a lot of Philippine history was lost since here in Texas, there was no reason to cover it....we are a blip in most US textbooks and I know at some point, my children will learn all about US, what being a citizen means, the wars, etc....... but while I have them at home, we can learn Filipino folktales together, the different dialects across 7600 islands, and how it was colonized and by whom. 
We are going to be living and breathing her history and I'm so excited to dive in! 

Fine Arts
She is currently taking her piano lessons from her teacher online, so we will keep doing that.
She has expressed interest in wanting to be a graphic novelist/animator, and we recently bought myself an apple pen. Can't wait to see what she does with it, however, I am excited to use it for coloring/lettering apps!

Spanish and Tagalog 
This is where the "por favor" (please) and salamat (thank you) comes in. I want to give both my kids a living, breathing embrace of their roots.
​​

So salamat for reading this far. I'd love to know your thoughts and what you have found so far!