The story of ours began like most; I heard your heartbeat and joy propelled me from dreamlike stupor to scheduling baby shower and maternity photography sessions, deciding on nursery decor and what names would match you.
When I received my preeclampsia diagnosis, my heart sank and everything on my carefully crafted to-do list dissipated, along with the idea that this story of ours would be easy.
Motherhood welcomed us at 31 weeks.
It also welcomed strength, unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. There would be no crying at our reality or our missed bonding time as you were wheeled away into a Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) over an hour away. Instead, I had to summon whatever will and adrenaline coursing through my body and demanded it heal so I can be closer to my heart. Tears would come later. And as I sadly learned, tears would come in waves that crippled and made me wonder where that strength went all those days and weeks I spent by your isolate in the NICU.
The story of ours paralyzed me.
I don’t know for sure how I lived to see you celebrate your first birthday, when every image I’d see, you were surrounded by tubes and wires and your heart monitor constantly beeping.
Somehow I did learn to move freely. I learned to save my tears in the shower. I learned to whisper prayers of gratitude every night as I watched you sleep.
As I started to accept the idea that there would only be the three of us - you, me and your dad - I learned I was again expecting.
This did not bring me joy. I met this news with anger and I tried for a long time to be happy. You were a beautiful four year old. I survived our first year and I was becoming less afraid of your future.
When I heard the heartbeat, I didn’t want to know the sex. I couldn’t give this heart a name.
I didn’t want to write to-do lists and there was no dream like stupor, either. I was a mom on a mission and my mission was to live so I could go home to you and our life.
A history of preeclampsia could mean I was a ticking time bomb again.
A history of premature birth meant I would be revisiting my nightmare in an enclosed NICU space.
A history of traumatic birth meant the possibility of not surviving.
And history usually repeated itself.
I packed my bags at 30 weeks and waited anxiously for 31 weeks.
It came and went. I wept and almost believed we were going to make it to ‘full term,’ at 38 weeks.
When I woke up with a headache and felt nauseous at 34 weeks, I knew it was time. My vision blurred and my blood pressure was elevated. My heart had already shattered when I was told I’d be welcoming another bundle in a few hours.
I thought I welcomed him in my arms. I thought I kissed his head as he was wheeled to the NICU. I thought I was doing okay until I wasn’t.
Until I didn’t hear him crying even when he was next to me.
Until suddenly, the idea of leaving you and him seemed like a rational action.
Motherhood has defined me in ways I never knew I'd be defined by.
While I knew motherhood gives you a different identity and purpose. Mine came with a two time Preeclampsia survivor, a parent to premature babies, and NICU graduates. I also had to include on postpartum depression survivor - an identity that I didn’t know I’d endure and survive.
And while the story of ours is still writing itself, I am hopeful that you and your brother can overcome any obstacles in life. After all, the strength I had to push through my storms were reflected in your eyes. You gave me courage. I choose to live bravely because of you. My purpose isn’t to understand why the story of ours began the way it did but how our story could give a voice and comfort to another.
My purpose in advocating for maternal mental health came because of the way our story began.
For more of my preeclampsia and postpartum depression story, please see here: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B073MVG4R4/
**preeclampsia survivor mamas + postpartum depression survivors, please message me for your free copy**
I miss blogging and I hate the idea of starting completely over because
1.) I don't have time for that - let's be honest
2.) I don't have the monetary funds to restart, buy another domain, etc.
So I'm reconstructing this website - originally intended to separate my writing about life and the silly little accomplishments like a poem being published.....not that its silly, I just wanted to form barriers for myself. But the thing I've learned over the past few years is that it's actually quite exhausting to separate things. I am a writer. I've blogged my way through preeclampsia, anxiety and depression. I am an author and I've been so excited to share new books, new poems, etc.
If Covid has taught me anything, it's that I need an outlet so badly. I've gone stir crazy. I've been on edge and barely hanging on.
So off to the blogging world I go. I haven't decided where I'm going with this. But this is better than nothing; better than the urge to scream every day.
Anyway, here's an update:
- Love, Defined will be available for 99cents May 29th - June 2nd!
So excited to announce that my book, Love, Defined, is now part of a romance collection! You get 1 price for 5 books to get your romance reading on.
When it comes to romance, trust and love go hand in hand…
Get ready to fall in love with these 5 full-length romance novels!
~ TOUCH ME NOT by Apryl Baker ~
A past tragedy has left Lily Holmes burdened with a devastating secret. Since the death of her twin sister, Lily can’t bear to be touched.
Enter Nikoli Kinkaid, the campus manwhore.
In an intricate dance of control and surrender, a reluctant friendship becomes something more.
Lily begins to crave things she never believed she could, and Nikoli realizes there is more at stake than his reputation.
~ TRUTH OR DARE by Aimee McNeil ~
Sophie Rogers has left her demons in the past and finally has her life under control. Until Ashton King saunters back into her life as a nude model for her art class…
Ashton’s body is made for sin, and his icy blue eyes scorch her with feelings too intense for a heart as scarred as Sophie’s to bear. Glimpses of another side of Ashton give her a flash of hope, but his deceptions run much deeper than she ever dreamed.
~ UNPREDICTABLE by CA Harms ~
Jett Jameson was the distraction Quinn needed, even if it was just for one night. A void-filler and a chance for a moment to allow herself to feel something other than emptiness.
He wasn’t what she expected, though. He was gentle. But her life didn’t have room for a man like Jett.
And now, it was too late. There was no turning back.
Nothing would ever be the same…
~ LEARNING TO TRUST by Cynthia P. O’Neill ~
When Garrett Andrews finds something that catches his eye, he goes after it, letting nothing stand in the way of what he wants to possess.
Laurel Hart was a swimming champion until a frightful event and unknown health issues derailed her career.
Once Garrett finds out about Laurel’s past, all rules are changed. He attempts to calm her nightmares and gain her trust so he can show her who he really is and the relationship he desires from her. Will they be able to overcome the damage their hearts have encountered?
~ LOVE DEFINED by Leila Tualla ~
In their final summer before graduating college, three childhood friends expect an uncomplicated transition to adulthood…but learn they all still have some growing up to do.
As the summer unfolds, three young women learn love and faith go hand in hand, not everything is black and white, and sometimes in a fast-paced world you have to slow down, breathe a little, and find your own definition of love.
I drink too much coffee, read too many books, and in between raising miracle babies, I find time to write.