Blog: reflections

I had my 20th High School reunion a week ago. I must admit, I wasn't excited to go and had to be prompted multiple times by my husband to just show up. It wasn't that I had a terrible experience, far from it, and perhaps I don't even truly understand my own hesitation. I obviously am not the same girl who walked down those halls. I barely remember any of it. The parts I do remember were confined within the auditorium and backstage. I loved theater. It wasn't necessarily the lights and applause, those were just bonuses. I loved theater simply for the idea that I got to be someone else for the length of rehearsals and the show. I got to be loud. I got to be quiet. A princess. A snob. A myriad of different people over the course of 4 years. 
I got to explore. And that was my key takeaway.
I had this amazing avenue where I could be angry or sad, or extremely funny or bold. 
And I miss that. 
I miss having that escape and exploration. Mind you, I do have my moments and usually they're expressed in my writings. I get to explore different characters and find their foundation........and while I don't get the satisfaction of an applause, I do find closure in writing 'the end.' 

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Theater was my second home. And I am grateful for having those moments (good and bad). I do remember my 18 year old self wanting to explore and write. I wonder what she would think about me? 
​I'm still writing. Still musing and observing. I don't have this overwhelming need for validation or applause. I still find those quiet moments outside to reflect. I hope she's proud of this life we've lived.
​I sure am. ​

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Dear past self,

I would be remiss if I didn't list out your accomplishments over the course of 20 years:

1. Married for almost 14 years
2. Survived pregnancy complications to have 2 amazing humans
3. Found your voice in advocacy
4. Wrote a novella, a ya romance, a memoir and a chapbook to date
5. Has been published in various journals, presses, anthologies
6. While it may have taken a while, you got your degree

Somewhere in those 2 decades, are a kaleidoscope of the people I was and needed to be. ​