Blog: lessons in motherhood - what my body remembers

You ever have one of those days where you can't quite figure out why there's a buildup of energy and emotion?
I wanted to fight someone yesterday. I lashed out at people I cared about. And I didn't know why.
I'm not one to sit down and share my feelings easily. I handle my own emotions and carry on....... and yes, there will be a one-off moment where I'm wired, cranky, overstimulated, overwhelmed and frustrated ... but there was this rage about something I couldn't voice.... something I couldn't place.
And today, I just happened to really take a good look at my April calendar.
13 years and 1 day ago, I took my 31 weeker home. This was the happiest day of our lives.
Almost 9 years ago, I was breaking down into hives and hiding my panic attacks from ptsd. I was 32 weeks and felt an implosion coming. Around this time, 9 years ago, I was on the verge of what would later be postpartum depression, and my body remembered the rage.
I was so angry and exhausted; frustrated at everything and everyone.
9 years ago, at this time.... I was writing my goodbye letters to my little girl.
And my body remembered everything.
My heart and soul and their scars remembered what my mind thought was gone... forgiven, forgotten. I was (am) free from those dark days and it's been a long time since I've experienced this sort of loss, rage, sadness and guilt.
Yesterday, I couldn't place myself.
Today, I am listening and validating.
I was not ok.
I am now doing ok.
Time is still healing us.