Blog: Chapter 44

I celebrated my birthday a few days ago. I normally do a reflection on how Chapter 43 was. I believe I began the chapter at a beach in Florida. The sun was shining; I remember feeling grateful that I was able to hop on a plane with my children and navigate the airport by ourselves. I was able to see both of them be brave and try a new thing: boogie boarding. It's like surfing the waves, but you're on your stomach the entire time. My little guy absolutely loved it. He was scared to try and fell off a few times but he was so happy he pushed himself. He talked about it the whole trip home. 
It reminded me then (and now) that what we often think is no "big deal" could be another person's "hard thing." 
​

only at (redacted) school

Our theme for the 2025-2026 school year was "greatest school" as in "the greatest showman." Circus. It was literally a circus the first two days; due to the construction, there was a smoke, and the fire alarm that went off. Then a gas leak that made the news. 
I can laugh at the false starts now. I had a stressful year but it wasn't as tough as the previous year. I'm not sure if I had gotten used to the "circus" or if I had already reconciled with the fact that there are things beyond my control and those that I could control, seemed fine by my admin. Not sure if that made any sense. But in the midst of the school year, I found myself wondering about my place. I don't see myself as a SPED Resource teacher forever and I applaud those that make it until their retirement ready. I'm over here about to start year 3 of Special Education. 

the good and the grieving

In December when I went to a funeral, my husband and I talked about how this unfortunately will be a common ocurence. There will be less and less baby showers. More graduations, more celebrations of marriage....and life. 
Our friend's wife passed away in December. She was only 41. 
My father in law died in February. He was only 69.  My poet's eyes thought: she died in the fall of her life while the world was quietly celebrating winter.
​He died in the winter of his at the start of spring. 
They leave behind people who love them; who still grieve for them. And one day, I will write a eulogy on his life and what he meant to me. For now......having my husband and my children share stories helps us move forward knowing that he'll always be a part of us. 

legacies

In thinking of both lives and what we leave behind, I had the opportunity to be in a patient panel. I was able to speak on my experience about my NICU, how I was treated as a patient, and all the things I wished people on my medical team handled me. I hope that with our conversations, change can start to happen. 
I still remember writing a goodbye letter to my daughter before I delivered my son. I was convinced I wasn't going to make it. I prepped my Bible with all these post-its and hoped that in a few years, she'll somehow stumble on these and deduce how mama loved her, how I hope her life would turn out, and my wish for her. This is how I came to write Letters to Lenora. I was trying to make peace that I had something tangible to leave my then four year old.
I can't believe it's been ten years. All the same, I'm still wondering about the type of legacies and stories I'll leave behind. 
She's not reading goodbye letters or what-ifs, as much as she's experiencing life with mom. She sees me upset, scared, determined to stand after falling.....I'm not 100 percent sure she'll look back at her childhood with fondness but I want to make sure there are a million and one memories of her and I in them. 

Coming home 

tThe biggest thing in this Chapter, of course, has been my coming home to Tacloban. I'm so grateful I got to go back in my 40s. The last time I stepped foot in the Philippines was for a vacation when I was 12/13. I remember crying in a jeepney, saying my goodbyes and wondering if I'll ever see anyone there again. 
20s - I was broke and the Philippines was NOT on my radar to visit. I was learning how to be an adult; how to be married; how to live. 
In my 30s, I was consumed by motherhood and anxiety. Not that I'm less anxious now, but I didn't think traveling internationally was a thought in my head with children. Covid happened in the middle of that. So much happened. Seasons changing. I found my voice, my purpose. I went to DC by myself twice. I found advocacy. I changed careers.
I'm saying goodbye to all of the past me, including Chapter 43. I do feel like I've lived so many lives and for each life I lived, I am grateful to be on this side of it. 
Seeing Tacloban in my 40s meant I could ask questions plaguing me. I wrote a LOT. Jotted notes, recorded family conversations, stories. 
I wanted to see the Philippines through my children's eyes and it was filled with wonder. Not just beaches with sand that twinkled, and crystal clear waters, but they heard stories about their mom, their grandmother, their family's history. They were able to walk streets that lined our family's memories. They played with other children; they saw trinkets and ate different foods that lit up a part of their taste buds.
What an experience to witness. 
And then there's the fact that I wrote.
Earlier this year, I submitted my first poem in 3 years. I got an acceptance. In the quiet moments, I often wished I could make writing full time and have sustainable income from it. But I never found the time for myself. After school ended and right before Tacloban, I started to write again. A little here and bits and pieces there. It wasn't until the middle of my trip did I start to assemble poems, start thinking of different collections, visiting different work in progress. 
Friends, I have at least 4 projects percolating. I submitted a micro-chapbook. My manuscript is still out there waiting. I have poems in the wings ready to submit this week. My coming home physically to the Philippines brought me back to myself; my writer self. The one who had been in the wings waiting for a turn at time. A time where silence can be broken by keyboard keys. 
So.....I am proud and humbled by Chapter 43.
But I'm so excited about this Chapter. It'll be the best one yet.
At least, the one where I feel like I'm becoming myself again. 

Until next time, 
​Leila