Let's be honest here, I forgot what my monthly goals were and was only reminded about it being Tuesday....a few hours ago. SIGH. 
I'm continuing to write when I can - about faith, pmdd, shifting identities and seasons in motherhood, advocacy - and if the poem is enough to stand on its' own, I submit to journals that I come across. I was going to wait until the end of the year for this list, but I'm going to do a 5 month "check in," for the sake of accountability.
Submitting to journals and getting rejected obviously isn't fun.....and half the time, I don't know WHY I even subject myself to the "thanks but not thanks," email. But I once read somewhere that all it takes is just one yes....the one that matters.... that keeps me going.
I have no idea where that yes is going to come from but I believe in that "one day, it will happen." 
​
SOooo here are some stats for you:
Since January 1st, I have submitted to 17 journals/lit mags for essays, poems, and completed chapbook.
10/17 REJECTIONS
3/17 ACCEPTANCES
4/17 AWAITING RESPONSES

It's only the 1st of June and we haven't even started our submission process yet. But there you have it. 5 months into 2021 and this poet was rejected up to 10 times out of 17. 
And I'm still standing - ha! 
How's your submission process going? 

1.) Submitted a poem called, "the voice," to Please See Me (rejected)
2.) Submitted pmdd & me chapbook to Porkbelly Press (rejected)​
3.) Submitted pmdd & me chapbook to Perhappened Press (rejected)​

4.) Submitted a poem called, "the cry of the struggle," to Dropout Publishing (rejected)
5.) Submitted a poem called, "the cry of the struggle," to Second Chance Lit (rejected)
6.) Submitted a poem, "my anxious self," & prose, "dear anxious believer," to Pearshaped Press (awaiting)

7.) Submitted pmdd & me chapbook to Selcouth Station (awaiting)​
8.) Submitted 2 poems, "cry of the struggle," and "this is how I'm surviving," to Revue Post (rejected)
9.) Submitted a poem called, "me too," to Brave Voices Magazine (rejected) 
10.) Submitted a poem called, "the jungle that birthed me," to Rigorous (accepted)
11.) Submitted 3 poems, "thou shalt remain nameless," "growing up girl," and "the state of things" to Antiherioine chic  (rejected)
12.) Submitted 3 poems, shower, cry, repeat," "lessons in motherhood," and "the things we carry" to Fahmidan Journal  (rejected)
13.) Submitted a poem called, "this is how I'm surviving," to Marías at Sampaguitas​ APRIL Contest (WON 3rd place)!

14.) Submitted a poem called, "lessons in motherhood," to  Literary Mama on 5/6/21 (rejected). 
15.) Submitted a personal essay called, "raising babies in the hyphen," to The Nasiona for their True Stories en Vivo call on 5/12 (awaiting).
16.) Submitted a poem called, "early start," to querencia magazine on 5/12 (Accepted for July 2nd issue). 
17.) Submitted a poem called, "here's what I know," to The Lannang Archives on 5/27 (awaiting).

LONGEST MONTH EVER! But then again, after the holidays, the highs of starting "fresh" and then the mediocre start..... it feels like this month has just been dragging. Anyway, going to adjust my needs/wants and make an effort into a more realistic goal for me. 

JANUARY GOALS
1.) Write and Submit a poem to a lit mag/anthology. I did submit a poem that was rejected once to a second chance press....who then rejected the same poem. SIGH. Such is the life of a poet whos work is very much subjective and objectified. I am forever grateful for each "rejection" however, as each one simultaenously deflated my heart but gave me just enough hope to try again another day. I also submitted a 'PMDD themed' chapbook to 2 different chapbook press. Still waiting on word.
2.) Write 1 chapter/1 hour of current work in progress (WIP) a day. Eh, I began this year having written 1 chapter...... I'm in Chapter 4. BUT I finished my outline of my WIP, a Filipino romcom..... and I wholly believe that progress is progress, no matter how small. 
3.) January Whole30 starts on 1/04. I would like to say I had every intention of starting strong, but that would be a lie. Because my husband was recently diagnosed with diabetes, I've been cooking (and subsequently) eating more keto styled recipes. I do indulge in carbs because CARBS = LIFE. Soooo not going to start on Whole30 anytime soon.
4.) Do 20 workouts for the month (combination of walking, boot camp, camp gladiator). 16/20...not too bad but gah, didn't realize how CLOSE I was to completing this! 
5.) Spend a day outside with kids at least once a week (nature walk, park, school outdoors). Goal met! We've played with our friends who are in our pod every Sunday... this started in November and its' done wonders for all of our morale. Hiking to 3 different state parks has been an incredible experience. I'm thinking of adding yet another site on this recent bucket list addition of ours. 

​For February, I will:
1.) Write and Submit a poem to a lit mag/anthology (repeating every month).
2.) Read and Review 4 romance reads by women of color (WOC), featuring protags that are WOC.
3.) WIP: Get to the 'middle of the story,' ie Chapter 10.
​4.) Do 20 workouts for the month (combination of walking, boot camp, camp gladiator). I mean, come on, I was *this close!
5.) Learn 1 new thing/activity/hobby with my family.

Okay, so it's a lot harder to make a vision board using this technique. I'll probably spend some time trying to make a vision board at a later time. ​

So, breaking this down, my 2021 Resolutions are
1.) Learn something new and I choose cross-stitching. I see so many cute and lovely designs on Etsy and on friend's pages....it makes me want to try it. I usually try to find one new thing to learn or try every year and this will be it for me.
2.) I came across an old "bucket list" of mine. I can't tell you when I wrote it, as sadly, I didn't date it. However, yoga teacher was an interesting one. I signed up for a course called "Kidding Around Yoga" (KAY) online certification. I'm not quite sure how this will pan out in the future but it's a step. I have kids. I'm currently homeschooling. So why not incorporate what I am learning to my kiddos and maybe when the pandemic slowly lessens its toll on us, I can share and teach yoga to other kiddos.
​3.) Write more poetry. Write more of my story. Write more romance. Just Write. (I'll break this goal down later).
​4.) As a family, we have 2 goals for ourselves. They are to spend more time outdoors. We are challenging ourselves to 1000 hours outside AND to visit as many state parks as we can for the year! We began our first hike yesterday and already crossed one state park off!
5.) I need to be more intentional on sharing my culture with my kids. At some point in their lifetime, I'd love to visit and show them the Philippines! I want them to learn my language, know their roots and family history. 
6.) I would love to be more involved in the organizations I believe in. Mom Congress, 2020Mom, Momma's Voices. But, for the most part, it's the continuation of doing the work of advocacy for moms, babies and maternal mental health. This past year, the Champions for Change summit was held virtually and while I could still feel the fire and passion from the virtual meet ups, I missed the tangible part of seeing advocacy in action. I hope this fall, I'll get to actual embrace the women I met and are inspired by!
7.) Well it wouldn't be a "complete" resolution list without my mentioning healthy eating and or workouts. HOWEVER, I have been making an effort in changing our lifestyles. My husband was diagnosed with Type II Diabetes in November. We started doing a bit of keto - more lazy on my part and we've resolved to workout out more. Luckily, virtual workouts are a thing and I've signed up for Camp Gladiator before! My old boot camp crew is starting on January Whole30 and I'll be joining her to "jump start" my sugar addiction habit. 

For January, I will:
1.) Write and Submit a poem to a lit mag/anthology.
2.) Write 1 chapter/1 hour of current work in progress (WIP) a day. 
3.) January Whole30 starts on 1/04.
4.) Do 20 workouts for the month (combination of walking, boot camp, camp gladiator).
5.) Spend a day outside with kids at least once a week (nature walk, park, school outdoors).

​I am fully embracing living and sharing my story - whether that means that I get to retell the same thing over and over again like a broken record; or figuring out how to navigate this fire and put it into words. 
I am pumped. I'm excited to do something MORE. 
I started finding opportunities that I know I can handle and commit to and among them was to speak to someone from ACOG (Am College of Obs and Gyn) about my preeclampsia and postpartum depression story. We spoke for over an hour about how we absolutely adore the new life (infant) while simultaneously forgetting about the one that made it (mom). We pass her over. We don't see mom. We see the most adorable cherub that we can't wait to cuddle and hold. We look past mom's sometimes harried appearance and go straight for the questions that sting: "how's breastfeeding going?" - I can't tell you how many moms dread this question. Breastfeeding is hard and the picture we have are these lovely breastfeeding moments, bonding moments, and not the crying, cracked bleeding nipples of the before or the surrender of not measuring up.
"are you excited to no longer be pregnant?"
"how long is your maternity leave?" followed by, "too bad, you can't stay home," or "you're so lucky you get to stay home."
We are measured by how much we can handle.
And then guilted into believing that super moms exist and we are far far from holding our own.

The things that continue to strike me are the tears that find its way down my face, the way my voice breaks or changes in octave. I had hoped that almost four years later, my courage takes hold over me. I had prayed that I can look back in awe at my own strength and bravery.....instead of reminding myself of past fears. In order words, I had really hoped to be over all of it by now, but time hasn't softened or healed my wounds of having 2 traumatic births. I may not recall every small detail but my broken heart finds its way to paint my nightmare.

So I told her that I am in the midst of the "after." There was life before NICU, before preeclampsia, before anxiety......but I am no longer welcomed there. Life in the "after NICU, after preeclampsia, after postpartum depression," is slow and measured. My movements calculated to avoid potential triggers. Life in the "after" consists of giving daily thanks and hugs and a quick reminder that we are all here. All three of us, my daughter, my son and myself. We're present and not figments of my imagination. 
​

What happens now is laying down the foundation of helping mamas feel less alone after their storms. If all I ever write about is poetry on motherhood, preeclampsia, postpartum depression...... then I am thankful for those moments and use those lived in experiences to tell my story. It's not over yet. 

I'm told it's easier to break this list down. 
For January:
1.) Read 2-3 books
(Currently listening to I am Malala and Handmaid's Tale is our book club pick for January). 
2.) Visit 2 museums
(already met when we went to Lone Star Flight Museum and Play Street Museum)
3.) Submit to 2 - 3 different publications. 
(As of now, I've printed out 2 lit magazines submission guidelines). 
4.) Walk 20 miles this month! 
5.) 1 thing that scares me: ask this moms' group if I can share my testimony.....I'll let you know how that goes!!

What are your goals this year? Do you break it down to a more manageable list? 
​Happy reading and writing, friends! 

November is coming up and it's always been rough. One the one hand, it's Prematurity Awareness month. The day before I see images of cute 'trick-or-treaters' and then all of a sudden, my feed is inundated with mamas and pictures of their preemies. I remember it all over again; the NICU, the isolette, the alarms and my two premature babies.
On the other hand, I post my gratitudes as a daily reminder that I am here. They are here. It's helped me over the years but I still second guess the 'why NOT me?' 'why NOT US?' that survivors often wrestle with. 
A few weekends ago, I attended the Champions for Change summit and I heard so so so many stories of near misses. 
I was lucky.
My OB knew at 26 weeks and told me that my birth plan needed to change. 
She knew at 31 weeks that I was not doing my care at home and I needed to be on strict hospital bed rest. 
She knew when it was time to deliver Ellie. And because of her, I knew to do my research. 
I advocated for myself and knew to seek a high risk pregnancy doc for the second one. 
I knew to do my daily blood pressure readings and let the nurses know when it would spike above average. 
I knew to pay attention to my body and knew at 34 weeks and change that my headache, my blurry vision and high blood pressure reading meant it was time to go. 
And the nurse who triaged me in the emergency room knew to call my doctor and start prepping the labor and delivery room. 
Women who knew versus others who didn't know or couldn't have known or choose not to listen. 
I was lucky. 
And I count my daily thanks. 
But that doesn't mean it has gotten easier. I've often heard well intentioned friends and family asking, "why are you not over it? it's been years." How could I get over trauma so easily when I see my trauma daily? When I hold my what-ifs daily? When I take my miracle to her monthly hematologist and wonder was it because of her being premature? Because of my preeclampsia that caused this blood disorder? What did she do to deserve every bruised arm from nurses who can't find her veins? 
Was it because of me? 
And so the guilt keeps coming back around and around, 

I can change guilt from weighing me down and make it become something. I can funnel my words for change, I've been so inspired about the stories I heard and I know my story can't stop now. Especially, since looking around the room, I never saw another 'me.' I saw so many white women and I wonder why there was so few black women? Why so few latinas? Why not another one of me? Another Filipina. 
Where are we in the community of mental health advocates and preeclampsia survivors? 

So next month is also National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo). I'm still converting my novelette into a Christmas themed novella. I started on it a few weeks ago and then my ever so distracted brain decided to put it down and start working on a journal prompt book idea for mamas. Motherhood is tough and we so desperately need community. I want my community to be filled with Filipina mamas navigating mental health challenges, life after diagnosis - be it a preeclampsia diagnosis or postpartum diagnosis. I want community and I want it filled with mamas that look like me. 

So I don't exactly know what that looks like.
But I do know that I am lucky to be surrounded by women who do. I just need to get over the guilt and grab some courage and ask questions. 
What are you working on friends?
Any other passion you have that you can incorporate writing into? 

It's September but in Texas, we are still figuring out how to cool off in 100 degree weather. I've been itching to take my fall decor out, but I can't find the motivation to pull out fake pumpkins and autumn leaves when I'm clearly drenched in sweat. 

Looking back on June - August goals: 

1.) Work on self - promotion more and not apologize for it. Did I actually do any type of promoting? My blank royalty checks say no (I get an email and a breakdown for the month). I haven't been feeling motivated to do these either. But I need money and I'm sure my indie publisher would appreciate if I put in any effort! 

 2.) READ. I read quite a bit this summer. 6 books total: 5 fiction, 1 nonfiction. The 
This reminded me that I needed to do the reviews for all of them. 

3.) REVIEW. see above. However, they are on goodreads, so does that count??

3.) Work on one short story with my little girl. Sadly, we never did get to work on our short story together. She did start a little cartoon about it!

1.) Actually work on self-promotion. 
2.) Read and catch up on my reviews. 
3.) Visit a writing critique/group. Perhaps being surrounded by other writers will get me motivated enough to write!

Other things to motivate: inquire about the pieces that were accepted for publication but haven't heard back from the publishers, even though they've said they'll get back to me in August. 
That's all for now. 

As we are winding down from summer and looking towards fall and winter, please know that September is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month. This is a reminder to be kind to yourself and to the people around you. You never know what someone is going through. We cover up all sorts of pain and madness to fit in. 
Know that you are not alone. 
**the following information below was taken from NAMI**

• If you or someone you know is in an emergency, call 911 immediately.
• If you are in crisis or are experiencing difficult or suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273 TALK (8255)
• If you’re uncomfortable talking on the phone, you can also text NAMI to 741-741 to be connected to a free, trained crisis counselor on the Crisis Text Line.

I'm always here, if you need me. I hope you know that. I'm not a trained counselor, but I can listen and offer a shoulder. Whether you want to reach out via email: [email protected] or private message me on any of my social media handles on twitter, instagram or facebook, please reach out. 

At some point, I am sure I will be doing a blog on reflections. I will be turning 37(!!!) this year and I still don't feel like a "grown up." Which is scary since I have to pretend I know what I'm doing and 'mommy-ing' hard. Anyhow, before I do my reflection post, here is my monthly goals for July. I haven't done a goals sheet in a while and I'm starting to wonder why.....I'm all about checklist and having been flying "off the cuff" without one these past few months have resulted in one frazzled mama and over booking several things. I have stretched myself too thin and I need to scale way back. I guess one of my goals for myself is the ability to say no once in a while. 

**School starts in the middle of August and I know it'll get a bit hectic for our household, so this monthly goal will be "extended" until mid-August. I will begin a new goal for September.** 

1.) Work on self - promotion more and not apologize for it. It's hard for me to seek a spotlight. I prefer hiding behind everyone and letting everyone have a go before my say. Sometimes that means though, I never get a turn.  I never get to speak up. And I shouldn't have to view this as a selfish thing. I need to be bold enough to say it's my turn. I mean, I see friends and family, promoting their businesses with gusto. My books, my stories...these are major accomplishments and something to be proud of. I am. I need to treat my "babies" proud and promote them with just as much gusto. 
I bought and downloaded this social media calendar by Angie Gensler. I spent $37 for it so I will let you know how my "engagements" and social media has grown, if any, by the end of the year. I'm starting this month, so if you see a sudden jump of activities all across my social media channels (Twitter, Instagram and Facebook), it's because I am working on my author platform.

 2.) READ. I have been neglecting my reading list and goals!! This month, I aim to read (1) non-fiction an (1) fiction works. 

3.) REVIEW. Again, neglecting all my reviewing. One of the lovely things about reviews is that even if I haven't written a poem/story for myself, I at least get to write something. It's a great practice and good for recalling what you read. Catch up on at least 5 reviews this month. 

3.) Work on one short story with my little girl. Funnily enough, my daughter wants to write her superhero story. I outlined one with her a few months ago and still have it but this time, I hope we gett to finally sit down and work on it together. Bonus: it'll help her with her handwriting skills. 

What about you, do you have any writing/author/life goals this month? Share them with me below or anywhere you see this post! 
Keep writing on, friends! 

November is my favorite month, even more than my birthday month of July. It feels like time slows down just a little before we hit the fast forward button in December. The air is crisper. The Food! The company. I love everything about November. 

​Persona Non Grata is packed with exceptional poets writing on the theme of social exclusion.With interpretations exploring our refugee crises globally, physical and mental illness, homelessness, addiction and family estrangement, the anthology will fundraise for two important and vital charities: 'Shelter' and 'Crisis Aid UK'.

We are delighted that 'Fly on the Wall Poetry Press publishes charity anthologies- and anthology 'Persona Non Grata' is packed with poetry inspired by the concept of social exclusion. Without support such as this, we would not be able to support the people who reach out to us for help with housing issues and homelessness. Thank you so much to everyone involved."
​- Lindsay Tilston Jones, Regional Community Fundraiser: Manchester

I submitted a poem entitled, "I pledge allegiance," to this lovely press called, Fly on the Wall Poetry Press. It's out now and she is taking poetry submissions, if you looking for places to submit! 

I've been debating whether or not to share this.....but a few months ago, I wrote a poem about childhood trauma and #metoo movement for an anthology benefiting the prevention of child sexual abuse. I've buried this secret for so long and that one poem and one anthology call seemed like a small peeling of that wound....and then Christine Blasey Ford spoke - regardless if you believe her or not, the fact of that matter remains: there are those of us who have THIRTY YEAR OLD secrets. However far removed we may be from that day, that incident, that trauma, certain things can never leave us: smells, sounds, laughter, taunts..... those are imprinted in a survivor's dna. A memory that must be unraveled because the trauma was too much to bear. 
So I happened upon this anthology call from Rhythm and Bone press.
I found survivors who never spoke up.
I discovered a community who are still grieving for an innocence taken, a trust stripped away..... a boundary that was crossed. 
I dug up my secret and felt compelled to share.  
In anger, I wrote.
In tears, I hashed out pieces.
In solidarity, I shared. 
"I am not my rape 
I tell myself today.
I am not my rape.
I told myself yesterday."

You are not your rape: an anthology coming soon. 

A look back on those August goals 1.) Fine tune my "I am" chapbook and have it ready. I've been debating on turning into a full fledge poetry collection but I'm also getting bored with it. I am easily distracted and my flaky self has already deemed this project "done." I have my eye on Dancing Girl press that a few poets have recommended and they are currently open for submissions.  Deadline is the end of the month, if you would like to enter. - fine tuned and sent! Here's hoping I get some feedback!!!

2.) Write and edit a piece for this motherhood submission call I was lovingly tagged on. - this is still a current work in progress! I have until 9/14 to finish and submit!

​September 8th is coming and so is the 15th anniversary for this anthology. I'm so incredibly grateful to be a part of this huge Filipino writing community that I honestly never knew existed!! I wish I was in San Fran celebrating, but I send all my love and positive vibes to my fellow Asian poets!! 
For a complete list of all the poets and table of contents, click here. I can't wait to hold this book in my hands!! 

1.) I'd really like to finish National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) in November this year and I have a couple of ideas that's been brewing. I'm a plotter, of course and just started printing out maps, and buying Filipino folk tales. I was so inspired by Tomi Adeyemi's Children of Blood and Bone and Kevin Kwan's Crazy Rich Asians that I'd love to do something along those lines. Write a story based off of a story that I vaguely remembering listening to as a child. But I want to fall in love and laugh and be surprised at the tears. I have NO IDEA what it'll be but I'd love to try. Soooo research, read, and plot. That's the BIG goal for this month. 

2.) I still need to turn in my motherhood essay and hope to get that finished by the end of the week!!
​
3.) I need to write out two poetry reviews for this month! I finished Vachaknavi (Hiya) Sarma's Wild Imagination this summer and it was beautiful!! Cheyenne Raine's new poetry collection drops on September 14th and I'm in the middle of her amazing words. Look for both reviews by next week!

4.) I found a couple of journals that I wanted to submit to but sadly, the deadline passed by the time I sat down with pen in hand. This month's goal would be to follow them and read from their works to support more poets and get a feel of what they seem to be looking for. 

As we are winding down from summer and looking towards fall and winter, please know that September is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month. This is a reminder to be kind to yourself and to the people around you. You never know what someone is going through. We cover up all sorts of pain and madness to fit in. 
Know that you are not alone. 
**the following information below was taken from NAMI**

I'm always here, if you need me. I hope you know that. I'm not a trained counselor, but I can listen and offer a shoulder. Whether you want to reach out via email: [email protected] or private message me on any of my social media handles on twitter, instagram or facebook, please reach out. 

We are getting so close to Fall, I've seen a few Halloween (and Christmas) decor set up at Hobby Lobby. I've actually bought a couple of fall things, ready to wear when September hits - I'm not even kidding!
I always feel like whatever happened in the slump and dog days of summer, not to mention the allergies of Spring....FALL turns my mood around and lifts up my spirits. Mid to late September through November exists to make people happy, more grateful, and a bit kinder - just my opinion.
I don't think I wrote any specific goals for July but even if I did, family vacation and sickness, and my daughter's few days in the hospital didn't exactly give me any writing time.

1.) Fine tune my "I am" chapbook and have it ready. I've been debating on turning into a full fledge poetry collection but I'm also getting bored with it. I am easily distracted and my flaky self has already deemed this project "done." I have my eye on Dancing Girl press that a few poets have recommended and they are currently open for submissions.  Deadline is the end of the month, if you would like to enter.

Sometime ago I entered my very first poetry competition that We Art Friends was hosting and I'm so thrilled to say that my poem, "Indifference," was one of the runner ups! For the list of winners and runner ups, click here. 

Happy rest of your summer!! 
Keep dreaming, 
keep writing.