Leila Tualla: Mama, Author, & Advocate
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It starts with you

4/3/2022

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​I was in San Antonio yesterday for my first ever production. I'm not quite allowed to share photos I took on the set. That'll come later. I did manage to grab this shot and  as there are no people and I'm not going to share the context, I will leave it here. 

​I'm currently replaying everything I've said about my #motherhood #preeclampsia #ppd story. There were things I wished I said. Words I wish I could go back and edit for clarification (and hope they completely cut it out of my segment). 
Regardless, I am still coming down from being surrounded by the most amazing people I probably will never see again. 
10 years ago, I never expected that my beginnings (my daughter's beginning) would continue to be replayed and reshared and shaped me into advocacy work. I never thought I'd share how I felt about my son. But I needed to reconcile the guilt, the anxiety, the rage and the traumatic birth and I began to heal by sharing how I felt. 
And in the beginning, I was sharing into this abyss, not knowing that on the other side of that, were people willing to listen and people needing to see survivors and even still, moms who caught bits and pieces of my heartache, asked questions and later shared how they advocated for themselves. 
Because of me. 
When all I did was speak up. 
And I get that there is bravery there. But there a stories upon stories that need to be told and shared. I don't know how much of my bravery changes things but I do know I'll never stop being an advocate.

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my 40 realistic things to do before 40

1/30/2022

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Something about milestone birthdays that almost always makes us look back at our entire existence and wonder......have I accomplished everything I wanted to do before insert milestone year here. 

While in 20s, I was still figuring out what I wanted in life. From pre-nursing student to get me out of here however it takes. I moved around. Went to 3 different schools. Found religion. Found love.
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I was 29 1/2 when I had my first baby. Almost 34, when I had my second. Motherhood, in all its ups and downs, strengths and weakness found me in my 30s.
This was quite literary a life changing, life giving, life persevering decade. 
But as I approach my 40s, I still have this need to look and ask myself, "have I done everything I wanted to do up until this moment?"

I can check off author, writer, teacher. I can check off some travels, not all...never all. I am grateful for every single opportunity of friendships that have come and gone, of books and stories that I'm able to pass on to my littles. But there were things in life that I've always wanted to do....but came up with a dozen excuses not to do them.
And as I'm a little neurotic and have 6 months to count down to the big 4-0 and I thought. Would I have to wait another decade countdown to accomplish these tasks - simple as they may be?

Behold, another list of things I wanted to do, wanted to pick up but in my wayward distracted self, I've somehow forgotten this list. I did add some of my 22 for 2022 to this and I am aware that some of these are not "one and done." I want to continue and carry some (like wanting to be Lucy Liu, get a black belt and wield a kantana) into the next decade. I found my own inner strength  as a postpartum depression and preeclampsia survivor in my mid-30s.
This decade - 40s - I want to be the badass warrior that I know I am. 

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40 things to do before 40

  1. learn to play guitar - I was gifted a guitar when I was 18....got rid of it sometime in college. I've always wanted to learn.
  2. go on a road trip with sisters - the last time we took a sister trip, was in 2005/04? to Chicago.
  3. take martial arts classes - I actually want to go back and take taekwondo. When I was a kid, I got as far as a green belt because I couldn't break a board. i want to see how far i get. 
  4. learn how to sword fight - i mean I really wanted to be Lucy Liu in Kill Bill with her sword... 
  5. take a cooking class 
  6. learn something new - I signed up for various writing workshops and poetry club and I'm going to start ASL class next week! So excited. 
  7. finish yoga teaching cert and teach yoga classes
  8. take a Spanish course and be ready for Mexico this summer
  9. go through mama's recipes and cook them all 
  10. build a raised garden bed
  11. run a mile without stopping
  12. run a 5k race
  13. take a dance class, specifically salsa 
  14. publish my Asian American poetry collection
  15. finish the book you are working on (Filipino folklore novel in verse)
  16. ride a bike and hope we don't break anything this time around
  17. buy new cook ware like an adult 
  18. overhaul closet and begin wardrobe capsule
  19. stick to a skin care routine
  20. get a mammogram
  21. spa day with my girl
  22. go on an adult's only vacation
  23. have a "yes day" with my kids - within reason and I will not tell them it's "yes day."
  24. Write and get a will 
  25. try a new hairstyle - I've been blonde, had a pixie cut, a bob, long hair.... I'm more adventurous with my hairstyle but it's been a long time since I've changed anything
  26. learn a new computer/tech related skill (like Excel/coding,etc) 
  27. take a photography class
  28. take an art class
  29. volunteer at the food pantry with the kiddos
  30. learn to sew
  31. host a blood drive
  32. donate plasma
  33. play the flute
  34. buy high heels
  35. learn how to walk in high heels
  36. revive an old furniture
  37. book a family photography session
  38. learn about the stock market and start investing
  39. watch a sporting event live
  40. rewrite that bucket list, drink champagne, and celebrate the next amazing decade of your life

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Blog: what we leave behind

1/17/2022

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On this MLK jr day (& impending milestone birthday), I am reflecting on legacies.... what we leave behind & what we hope & dream for our children.

I hope to pass on kindness, leave a legacy of gratitude & goodness. But tangibly, I'd like to leave something more than the imprints in their hearts.

I am a writer & advocate.
I have essays & poems & stories of motherhood, of faith that they can find & wrap themselves in.

I also come from a mama who has taught me to cook w love. I'm no
foodie. I'm quite picky, actually. But certain smells & taste bring me back to my home country 🇵🇭. I remember the fish ball vendor right outside my school. I vaguely remember the fish market or the Santol trees that grew up and out in my neighbor's yard. I can barely remember the taste of spaghetti with hotdogs but every time I make spaghetti for my kiddos, I often wonder what faces they'll make should a hot dog make an appearance in their pasta. 😂😂

I remember certain things with clarity but as a 9 year old who left, my memories have lost focus 30 years later.

What I know today are my childhood in East Tx & my mom's eggrolls & pancit that I've been trying to replicate. I remember food from Filipino parties we held at someone's house & the whole community of Filipinos would gather.

A few years ago, I asked my mom to write down in her handwriting, recipes she's made for us over the years & some that she's "perfected," in most recent years.

I'm going to attempt to make each recipe from here & hope to impart a more lasting one for my kiddos... that food not only feeds us & can bring us comfort but the stories that came from the kitchen they were made in & the way some recipes get passed down... those I hope they'll make time to explore & remember. Whatcha cooking today?
And yes, I will share whatever I cook here. ❤️❤️
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Blog: 22 things for 2022

12/29/2021

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Confession time. I love the idea of New Year Resolutions. I write them every year....well, with the exception of this year. 2020 just made me want to survive 2021. 
I follow this author, Gretchen Rubin, and she does a list of things in lieu of resolutions. Nothing to change about oneself as much as create a list of things big or small that you can accomplish in the year.  
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22 things for 2022

  1. Make a list of old friends I'd like to connect with.
  2. Take a sister road trip.
  3. Ride a bike.
  4. Work on Social Media presence.
  5. Publish poetry collection.
  6. Read 22 books.
  7. Run (without stopping) a 5k before 40th birthday (July).
  8. Try 1 new recipe/month.
  9. Move garden bed.
  10. Renovate bathroom and laundry room.
  11. Make Disney World shadow boxes for each kid.
  12. Add hardware to kitchen cabinets and drawers.
  13. Get a mani/pedi with Ellie.
  14. Practice Spanish.
  15. Take Tagalog classes with the kiddos.
  16. Learn how to sew with Ellie.
  17. Create a bucket list (find your old one first).
  18. Get Teacher Certification license.
  19. Finish yoga classes and be able to teach a class this summer.
  20. Decorate a cake.
  21. Paint the outside of the house.
  22. Do a Star Wars marathon with son and hubs. 

For a peek at Gretchen Rubin's list or how to use the "22 things for 2022," click here. 
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https://unsplash.com/photos/HyczMwZbdLg?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditShareLink
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a blog, writer news & a whole lot of advocacy

11/13/2021

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This morning, I spoke with a mama through the amazing Postpartum Support International  (@postpartumsupportinternational) peer mentor program who needed encouragement and support.

​Some days, truly, I am "over the talking," and the revisiting open wounds. And some days, I wonder what I am doing to myself and why.

And there are days where someone out there needed some encouragement and needed to hear how I got "out of it."

Honestly, friends. I'm not sure where I am most days. There isn't ever going to be a moment where I will wake up and be who I was in the "before." Before the #preeclampsia diagnosis, before the #nicu and #prematurebabies and #ppd

And that makes me both sad and thankful. Who would I be today without the above? Would I advocate so much?
Would I have written my stories?

I also got a chance to speak to Dianna Gunn of Spoonie Author Podcast. More revisiting. More advocating. But this time, she asked what advice I would give to someone who may have disabilities or a chronic illness who wanted to write.

I am a terrible advice giver. But I'd like to think I'm an excellent listener and observer. I love sitting in silence. When people share the heavy with me, I like to think of silences as this enormous pause of relief for the person who unburdened themselves and a chance for the receiver to process what was said.
Pauses are heavy and the silence that follows it can fill us with trepidation. 
How will the receiver respond to our burdens?
What if we (the receiver) say the wrong thing?
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Or the years, I've learned that most of the time,  it isn't the response that we want. It is what we do while in the silence. 
I hug in the silence. 
I have cried and held someone's hands in the silence.

​I have nodded and quivered and sighed in the silence. 

So these advice giving this morning, I took a pause and a breath. I tell myself that if it were me on the other side, what would I like to hear?
I want honesty. 
Motherhood is hard and it sucks.
Writing is hard and it sucks. 
Yeah, we're all in some semblance of this world together but your hard (whatever that looks like and feels like) isn't how my hard looks and feels. 
I told the mom this morning that this is just a season. There are probably more thunderstorms than sunshine. And yeah, winter is coming. It's hard. I don't enjoy winter. But at some point, there has to be a break....right? There is hope that this will all just be another hard season we had to get over. I can't promise when this season of hard will be over but I can promise that I can find you tools and resources to hunker down and shelter you from these storms. I can promise you that I have found myself in these trenches more often that enjoying the little bit of sunshine in whatever season I was in. I can promise that you will not be alone in these storms. 

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As far as for the creatives who wonder how to be a writer in the midst of pain and disabilities - that's the easiest part: write. Write a word. Focus on 2 words...now form a sentence. It does not have to be perfect. It does not have to make sense.
It does not even have to leave the pages of your journal. 
Write what you know. And if all you now is pain, explore that. Maybe in the pages, you'll find how brave you really are. 

Whatever season you are in, may you find yourself a listening ear......I will say that blank pages in a notebook are the best kind of receivers for the heavy and the hard. ​

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Poetry news: the Lannang Articles

11/7/2021

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Thankful to have this poem, "this is what I know" added to Lannang Articles' project on culture, identity and language. I had written this poem this past Spring when I attended a session with fellow Pinoy creatives. It was the first time I had been surrounded by poets of diaspora. I didn't even have to explain the meanings of this poem as we took a few minutes after a prompt on language. They knew. They understood what memories and phrases that come to the surface and pop like bubbles meant. Fleeting and magical and for a moment, a crystal clear remembrance of knowing of the native tongue. 
I haven't been able to join in other sessions, but it did my soul good seeing Pinoy poets and listening to their stories and poems. I need more of that, please. 
Anyway, here it is below: 

Here’s what I know:
Usa lang ako. I am one.
I am alone.
Mahal ko…..STOP.
Sayap. I am sorry. Words escape me,
And my mother tongue gets duller as I age.
For more of 'Here's what I know, go here: ​https://www.lannangarchives.org/post/here-s-what-i-know

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Blog: reflections

10/30/2021

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I had my 20th High School reunion a week ago. I must admit, I wasn't excited to go and had to be prompted multiple times by my husband to just show up. It wasn't that I had a terrible experience, far from it, and perhaps I don't even truly understand my own hesitation. I obviously am not the same girl who walked down those halls. I barely remember any of it. The parts I do remember were confined within the auditorium and backstage. I loved theater. It wasn't necessarily the lights and applause, those were just bonuses. I loved theater simply for the idea that I got to be someone else for the length of rehearsals and the show. I got to be loud. I got to be quiet. A princess. A snob. A myriad of different people over the course of 4 years. 
I got to explore. And that was my key takeaway.
I had this amazing avenue where I could be angry or sad, or extremely funny or bold. 
And I miss that. 
I miss having that escape and exploration. Mind you, I do have my moments and usually they're expressed in my writings. I get to explore different characters and find their foundation........and while I don't get the satisfaction of an applause, I do find closure in writing 'the end.' 

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Theater was my second home. And I am grateful for having those moments (good and bad). I do remember my 18 year old self wanting to explore and write. I wonder what she would think about me? 
​I'm still writing. Still musing and observing. I don't have this overwhelming need for validation or applause. I still find those quiet moments outside to reflect. I hope she's proud of this life we've lived.
​I sure am. ​


Dear past self,

I would be remiss if I didn't list out your accomplishments over the course of 20 years:
  1. Married for almost 14 years
  2. Survived pregnancy complications to have 2 amazing humans
  3. Found your voice in advocacy
  4. Wrote a novella, a ya romance, a memoir and a chapbook to date
  5. Has been published in various journals, presses, anthologies
  6. While it may have taken a while, you got your degree
Somewhere in those 2 decades, are a kaleidoscope of the people I was and needed to be. ​
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Poetry News: Agape Review

9/3/2021

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So thankful for the team at Agape Review, their kind words and their acceptance on my poem, "One Day,"
One day,
my cries will sound like hallelujahs,
And this ache and burden I have been carrying
will feel weightless
And freeing.

One day,
I will stop bargaining over sickness
and rejoice in the health of the now.
I will train my eyes upward and follow
the path set before me, instead of wondering
if someone else’s journey is better than mine.

More, click here: agapereview.com/2021/09/03/oneday/
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Blog: a walk and some thoughts

8/27/2021

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​On days like this, I miss the country. It rained last night, cooling everything around us. The wind and trees whisper that summer just might be over soon. I walked as far as I could to get away from the roar of cars and trucks but I've never walked this trail by myself, and when I finally found the curve in the trail where the cicadas drowned out the city, I stopped. And took this picture. ❤️❤️

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I'm at this weird phase of transition. Or maybe I'm just feeling stuck. Much like my walk here: do I keep walking into unfamiliar territory? Or turn around because the noise can tune out my thoughts and it's familiar and I've already walked it after all.

My children are at school. I'm feeling all sorts of emotions that come with that, covid being the highest and most consuming priority.
But somewhere around the worries, I find myself wondering what now? What do I do from here? Where do I go? Do I keep studying for this test for this career (teaching) I'm not even sure about. Do I keep sending 2 completed chapbooks hoping the Universe finds a home for them? Do I keep going through the motions until something leads me where I need to go?

​I feel lost. Stuck.

​As a mental health advocate, I'd be remiss not to mention my thoughts out loud, in case someone needs to hear this.

​Who am I when no one is around to mother?

This walk didn't answer any of that for me. I thought as I stood in front of the sunflowers, I'd have some sort of epiphany.

The best I could come up with is that society has a warped and all consuming view of what stay at home moms are supposed to be. I left pieces of myself in my children - we create, we laugh, make memories, pray, cry - I speak joy and hope into them. And when they left to seek out peers, I wonder what pieces of them (and me) they've left behind. Who am I when they're not around?

There is a story brewing here. More tangible thoughts (probably) will be written into poems. And perhaps, that's always been the answer: I've never stopped being a writer.

On my next walk, I think I'll bring a notebook and go a little further.

Just some Friday thoughts for you. ❤️❤️❤️
​Who do you become when no one's watching?

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Celebrate Lit's 2nd Annual Summer Book Lover's Multi-Author Giveaway

8/5/2021

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Hello Readers!
Summer Book Lover's Day is August 9 and we are Celebrating ALL WEEK with a HUGE giveaway!

I have partnered up with Celebrate Lit Publicity to do an amazing giveaway where you can win a spectacular prize of over 35 books or a $500 Amazon gift card to buy books you love to hold you over until Christmas!

Be sure to enter Celebrate Lit's 2nd Annual Summer Book Lover's Multi-Author Giveaway going on now through August 15.

Enter here: https://promosimple.com/ps/10ec7/2021-summer-book-lover-s-day

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    Hi, there!

    I drink too  much coffee, read too many books, and in between raising miracle babies, I find time to write.


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Hi there! Here's a quick bio

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Leila Tualla is a Filipino-American poet and author based in Houston, Tx. Leila’s books include a YA contemporary romance called Letters to Lenora and a memoir/poetry collection called Storm of Hope: God, Preeclampsia, Depression and me. Her poetry is featured in several mental health anthologies and she is currently working on a poetry collection based on Asian American stereotypes and identifies. Her chapbook “pmdd & me,” will be out this Spring 2022. ​

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  • HOME
  • about me
  • Blog
  • News & bookshelf
    • Media
    • Books >
      • Letters to Lenora
      • Storm of Hope
      • Love, Defined
  • ADVOCACY
    • RESOURCES for PMDD warriors >
      • IAPMD
    • Community resources for moms >
      • Pregnancy and Postpartum Support
      • 2020 Mom
      • Preeclampsia
      • Momma's Voices
      • Shades of Blue Project
  • Contact